First, apologies, this may get long to actually explain the question, for I can not find the means to ask it – without the situation around it. For any question can be asked, its just the reasons and purposes for it, that give the real question its definition. I guess the first purpose for the question, is the fact I believe in everything. Throughout my life I have searched for the heart behind the callings, and through the delving and trying to understand the beliefs and means of allowing it into my willing perception. Well, suicide was my only answer, to finally end within my existence; the question of an existence after death. That question is gone from me now. But, since that question is gone … and it being gone is said only because – I HATE IT THERE – and can only find within myself, everything that is myself, to only find purpose and means of anything called eternity – I only find it here. Through the feminine choas – of feeling all emotions at once, to the structure of rule and control created by the order of male … born into life, the last sign of the male, forever assigned to the chaotic neutral, and loving it, always. Forever will I walk the path of the darkness, for only when coming to the understanding, that the dark is the life, the light is the death – I can only find my solace by trying to understand — one thing , and thus comes the question. How is it possible, how can it be regained … To accept Life as Love — ETERNAL And to gain complete control, of only MY LIFE. I accept the rules of the living, I accept the rules of the dying, and yes, even the rules of the dead. I accept all the rules, but inso doing, I find that THEY ARE NOT MINE. I will bow down to no-one I will walk, forever, my own path. I will hug forever, the love of oblivion. but, how, how can I do that. how can I finally show my love to everything. and fully exist, here, not there, ever again … HERE, LIFE. is it possible? and that is the question, finally I guess, sorry so long, and yee may be thinking I am kidding, and just sending a bogus question. I am not. And many; thanks , for the help. ~ dreardan
Hello there Dreardan my dear, Even after reading your message, several times, I am not at all certain that I really understand what it is that you are trying to say or what it is that you are asking me…. What I did take away is that, at some point, you attempted suicide and failed. And that through that, or because of that, or due to some other event or series of events, you do not want to die… but you also do not want to live… and you say that you are seeking out oblivion, as opposed to one of the other alternatives…. Well, in regards to that, what I can suggest is that you might want to seek out some psychiatric assistance and maybe look for a bit of therapy…. I am not a nihilist and as such I do not believe in the concept of oblivion after we shuffle off this mortal coil. So asking me about it is not really going to get you anywhere useful…. As to the next life and hating it there… have you perhaps considered that the manner by which you arrive might have a very real and direct impact about the quality of existence one has once they get there? Thus, arriving there by means of suicide might negatively impact the quality of the next life?
